Cocooning

You see it in a person's eyes. This reticence. A slight shifting of the eye, going sideways, or inward, even with their eyes locked onto yours. I see it. When I'm focused on the eyes  it feels to me like I can clearly see the passage of their thoughts, with the feelings that accompany it. It's fascinating, really.

Cocooning. The wrapping up of your real beautiful self, protecting it from all surroundings [that's what it's supposed be doing]. But really, you're closing off from everything potentially prepared to support you. A closed fist can never be given anything. You are also not seeing clearly. Or hearing clearly. It becomes obvious how you can be talking to someone and they later claim you didn't. They didn't see ... they didn't hear ... they don't know ....

They're not lying. You're not, either.

I felt that when I first stood up to share, on the little landing above 5 steps. With a bannister, white and strong, solid.

Even when sitting on the steps, I could see how I was caging myself. Everyone else free out there, and me in a cage. But the stairs were open to the floor.. I could just move a few inches and I'd be with the others. But I didn't. I was comfortable there. There was also the practical aspect of being able to sit, and lean back or sideways, and have a 'table' to put my notebook and write comfortably.

Anyway, when I actually stood up to read what Id written my hands starting shaking. so I had to lean on the banister to keep them still, so I could read! how can I read if I can't even see the trembling, shifting page!

But back to the point I wanted to make: when I first stood up and was given the microphone, I could feel the room starting to fade out. I stood speaking and it was like looking from the wrong end of a telescope, with lens that need to be cleaned, a cloudy sea of vague shapes. I named a person and tried to see her, but I couldn't. [It wasn't that large a room. Only about 40 people].

Cocooning.

And it's not scary when you are aware of what is happening: you're not going blind. You're not deaf. You're not stupid. You're not .....

You are cocooning.

Keeping the world at a distance so that you can go through a transformative minute - or hour or season.

And I would say: don't rush yourself. Don't berate or judge yourself. Let it be. 

What comes out of the cocoon is a beautifully intricate butterfly.

PS: I was told the word 'cocooning' by someone whose hair was colorfully fashioned by a real artist! And she was told the word by Mary Morrissey.
[Give credit where credit is due :) ]