Fear

We say it so often: I'm afraid of being a failure; I'm afraid of failing.

Notice the difference between those two! 

Notice your own self-image.

And I think it's not really a fear of failure.  It's a fear of not being perfect. Not achieving perfection.

Although we do admire and love people who are clearly not perfect. They even have faults! [ :) ] 

We love them anyway, and admire them, and respect them.

But we fear our own worthlessness. So we have to overcompensate. And if we fail ... !!

It just means that we are human. 

It feels to me that we are born willing and happy to share. In fact, some insist on sharing their every thought and feeling. And remain that way all their life.

But there are others who learn early on, even before the end of their first year on earth,  that being vocal is dangerous. You might become the focus of anger and abuse. Sharing what you feel can result in ridicule, and shame. Or indifference - which might be even worse.

Those become the silent people. They may be raging inside, [and it can manifest in many ways, sometimes very creatively!] but beneath the rage is a great sadness. They grieve their loss of connection with others, the outer world. And to escape the grief, they avoid their own inner connection, too. The invisible people. They exist, but they do not LIVE.

For those people, learning to share takes great courage. 

I was told, by my self-mastery friend, Nigel Henry, to replace the word 'fear' with 'excitement'. Imagine it like a booster rocket: shivering, trembling, with a huge energy potential. It can take you to the stars!  - or as far as you're willing to go :)   We need that 'fear' to be able to unstick ourselves from our comfortable niche, where we hide.

Watch out, though, for the pressure-cooker lid!  [I've found drumming to be a wonderful outlet. More on that later]

Cocooning

You see it in a person's eyes. This reticence. A slight shifting of the eye, going sideways, or inward, even with their eyes locked onto yours. I see it. When I'm focused on the eyes  it feels to me like I can clearly see the passage of their thoughts, with the feelings that accompany it. It's fascinating, really.

Cocooning. The wrapping up of your real beautiful self, protecting it from all surroundings [that's what it's supposed be doing]. But really, you're closing off from everything potentially prepared to support you. A closed fist can never be given anything. You are also not seeing clearly. Or hearing clearly. It becomes obvious how you can be talking to someone and they later claim you didn't. They didn't see ... they didn't hear ... they don't know ....

They're not lying. You're not, either.

I felt that when I first stood up to share, on the little landing above 5 steps. With a bannister, white and strong, solid.

Even when sitting on the steps, I could see how I was caging myself. Everyone else free out there, and me in a cage. But the stairs were open to the floor.. I could just move a few inches and I'd be with the others. But I didn't. I was comfortable there. There was also the practical aspect of being able to sit, and lean back or sideways, and have a 'table' to put my notebook and write comfortably.

Anyway, when I actually stood up to read what Id written my hands starting shaking. so I had to lean on the banister to keep them still, so I could read! how can I read if I can't even see the trembling, shifting page!

But back to the point I wanted to make: when I first stood up and was given the microphone, I could feel the room starting to fade out. I stood speaking and it was like looking from the wrong end of a telescope, with lens that need to be cleaned, a cloudy sea of vague shapes. I named a person and tried to see her, but I couldn't. [It wasn't that large a room. Only about 40 people].

Cocooning.

And it's not scary when you are aware of what is happening: you're not going blind. You're not deaf. You're not stupid. You're not .....

You are cocooning.

Keeping the world at a distance so that you can go through a transformative minute - or hour or season.

And I would say: don't rush yourself. Don't berate or judge yourself. Let it be. 

What comes out of the cocoon is a beautifully intricate butterfly.

PS: I was told the word 'cocooning' by someone whose hair was colorfully fashioned by a real artist! And she was told the word by Mary Morrissey.
[Give credit where credit is due :) ]

Quantum Healing: Exploring The Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine 1988 by Deepak Chopra, M.D.

“At the very instant that you think, “I am happy,” a chemical messenger translates our emotion, which has no solid existence whatever in the material world, into a bit of matter so perfectly attuned to your desire that literally every cell in your body learns of your happiness and joins in.”

“ However it works, the key seems to be spontaneity."  I think this is a very important point. Because it cannot be done by will-power. Awareness, then submission and release. I think that's why unplanned prayers have such a magically instant effect.

“To live with constant fear, even without cancer in your body, is not a good state of health. The war is not over; it has merely moved from open skirmishes to underground terrorism.

The underlying philosophy in cancer treatment is that the mind will just have to stand by while the body endures devastation. In other words, an open clash is actually encouraged in the mind-body system. How can this be called healing? In a clash between mind and body, the patient is fighting on both sides - there is only his body and his mind. Isn’t it obvious that when a loser emerges, it will be he?

The vital issue is not how to win the war but how to keep peace in the first place.”

An excellent book. I'd have to photocopy it to get all the quotes I want to pass on to others, so just read it all  :)

Music of the soul

I was sitting next to a person on the subway, and I could hear the insistent beat of music from his ear-buds. I could hear it clearly: and I got to wondering: how could he stand the monotonous beat?
Drowning out the sound of your own mind, drowning out any emotion. I can't hear you. You can't hear you.

Well, of course I know that's the whole point! It's supposed to be relaxing. Clear mind, empty space.

But  it's actually more like sweeping the dust under the carpets, and clearing the surfaces by stuffing the drawers. Ta-da! All clean! right?

Avoiding yourself never works. The emotion or the thought just slithers away inside and breaks out in a different form: a pain, an ache, an irritation, a lust for cookies and chips, a new book :)

Running away uses up a lot of energy and is exhausting.  Instead of feeling tired or bored most of the time, Listen. Instead of putting up that barrier, Listen.  Go a step further. Listen to what is behind them.  Then another step further. You are the most amazing being there is. Not just you :) . Every single human being. The most amazing unique being.  Listen. Pay attention to your own self.

Sipping From the Nile: My Exodus from Egypt by Jean Naggar

I find it fascinating! Looking at life in Egypt from a different angle and a different time. Learning the history of Smouha, which I've always known as a beautiful place but never as an actual family's name - the family that paid for, designed, and built the place!
I went to the English School myself   :)  My cousin went to the Gezira Prep School.  The Gezira Club is a place I love.
It's nicely unsettling to see familiar things through distant eyes.

Then there's the world I never knew! so much of it.
It's a great book.

The Gentle People

The Gentle people are those whose heart can melt in an instant. They have great passions [introverted or extroverted]   A toddler's smile fills the rest of their day with joy. They rage [silently or loudly] at the slightest injustice to anyone other than their self [sometimes for their selves, too] They usually love streams and rivers. Some adore oceans; other fear them for their immense power and depth.

The Gentle People are beguiled by stories. Their eyes may flash with excitement, or grow distant and dreamy. They flicker in and out of various worlds.  Music has power. Art is nutritious.

I think we all know some gentle people, but I realized last week that we are all Gentle People. They are hidden inside each of us, and the extent you see them is the extent they're allowed to grow. The extent that a peephole is opened, or the big double doors.

When I talk with others, whatever the surface appearance, emotion, or circumstance is, I talk to the Gentle Person. And, invariably, it is the Gentle Person who answers me - even by just silently walking away.