Fear

We say it so often: I'm afraid of being a failure; I'm afraid of failing.

Notice the difference between those two! 

Notice your own self-image.

And I think it's not really a fear of failure.  It's a fear of not being perfect. Not achieving perfection.

Although we do admire and love people who are clearly not perfect. They even have faults! [ :) ] 

We love them anyway, and admire them, and respect them.

But we fear our own worthlessness. So we have to overcompensate. And if we fail ... !!

It just means that we are human. 

It feels to me that we are born willing and happy to share. In fact, some insist on sharing their every thought and feeling. And remain that way all their life.

But there are others who learn early on, even before the end of their first year on earth,  that being vocal is dangerous. You might become the focus of anger and abuse. Sharing what you feel can result in ridicule, and shame. Or indifference - which might be even worse.

Those become the silent people. They may be raging inside, [and it can manifest in many ways, sometimes very creatively!] but beneath the rage is a great sadness. They grieve their loss of connection with others, the outer world. And to escape the grief, they avoid their own inner connection, too. The invisible people. They exist, but they do not LIVE.

For those people, learning to share takes great courage. 

I was told, by my self-mastery friend, Nigel Henry, to replace the word 'fear' with 'excitement'. Imagine it like a booster rocket: shivering, trembling, with a huge energy potential. It can take you to the stars!  - or as far as you're willing to go :)   We need that 'fear' to be able to unstick ourselves from our comfortable niche, where we hide.

Watch out, though, for the pressure-cooker lid!  [I've found drumming to be a wonderful outlet. More on that later]

Cocooning

You see it in a person's eyes. This reticence. A slight shifting of the eye, going sideways, or inward, even with their eyes locked onto yours. I see it. When I'm focused on the eyes  it feels to me like I can clearly see the passage of their thoughts, with the feelings that accompany it. It's fascinating, really.

Cocooning. The wrapping up of your real beautiful self, protecting it from all surroundings [that's what it's supposed be doing]. But really, you're closing off from everything potentially prepared to support you. A closed fist can never be given anything. You are also not seeing clearly. Or hearing clearly. It becomes obvious how you can be talking to someone and they later claim you didn't. They didn't see ... they didn't hear ... they don't know ....

They're not lying. You're not, either.

I felt that when I first stood up to share, on the little landing above 5 steps. With a bannister, white and strong, solid.

Even when sitting on the steps, I could see how I was caging myself. Everyone else free out there, and me in a cage. But the stairs were open to the floor.. I could just move a few inches and I'd be with the others. But I didn't. I was comfortable there. There was also the practical aspect of being able to sit, and lean back or sideways, and have a 'table' to put my notebook and write comfortably.

Anyway, when I actually stood up to read what Id written my hands starting shaking. so I had to lean on the banister to keep them still, so I could read! how can I read if I can't even see the trembling, shifting page!

But back to the point I wanted to make: when I first stood up and was given the microphone, I could feel the room starting to fade out. I stood speaking and it was like looking from the wrong end of a telescope, with lens that need to be cleaned, a cloudy sea of vague shapes. I named a person and tried to see her, but I couldn't. [It wasn't that large a room. Only about 40 people].

Cocooning.

And it's not scary when you are aware of what is happening: you're not going blind. You're not deaf. You're not stupid. You're not .....

You are cocooning.

Keeping the world at a distance so that you can go through a transformative minute - or hour or season.

And I would say: don't rush yourself. Don't berate or judge yourself. Let it be. 

What comes out of the cocoon is a beautifully intricate butterfly.

PS: I was told the word 'cocooning' by someone whose hair was colorfully fashioned by a real artist! And she was told the word by Mary Morrissey.
[Give credit where credit is due :) ]

Quantum Healing: Exploring The Frontiers of Mind/Body Medicine 1988 by Deepak Chopra, M.D.

“At the very instant that you think, “I am happy,” a chemical messenger translates our emotion, which has no solid existence whatever in the material world, into a bit of matter so perfectly attuned to your desire that literally every cell in your body learns of your happiness and joins in.”

“ However it works, the key seems to be spontaneity."  I think this is a very important point. Because it cannot be done by will-power. Awareness, then submission and release. I think that's why unplanned prayers have such a magically instant effect.

“To live with constant fear, even without cancer in your body, is not a good state of health. The war is not over; it has merely moved from open skirmishes to underground terrorism.

The underlying philosophy in cancer treatment is that the mind will just have to stand by while the body endures devastation. In other words, an open clash is actually encouraged in the mind-body system. How can this be called healing? In a clash between mind and body, the patient is fighting on both sides - there is only his body and his mind. Isn’t it obvious that when a loser emerges, it will be he?

The vital issue is not how to win the war but how to keep peace in the first place.”

An excellent book. I'd have to photocopy it to get all the quotes I want to pass on to others, so just read it all  :)

Music of the soul

I was sitting next to a person on the subway, and I could hear the insistent beat of music from his ear-buds. I could hear it clearly: and I got to wondering: how could he stand the monotonous beat?
Drowning out the sound of your own mind, drowning out any emotion. I can't hear you. You can't hear you.

Well, of course I know that's the whole point! It's supposed to be relaxing. Clear mind, empty space.

But  it's actually more like sweeping the dust under the carpets, and clearing the surfaces by stuffing the drawers. Ta-da! All clean! right?

Avoiding yourself never works. The emotion or the thought just slithers away inside and breaks out in a different form: a pain, an ache, an irritation, a lust for cookies and chips, a new book :)

Running away uses up a lot of energy and is exhausting.  Instead of feeling tired or bored most of the time, Listen. Instead of putting up that barrier, Listen.  Go a step further. Listen to what is behind them.  Then another step further. You are the most amazing being there is. Not just you :) . Every single human being. The most amazing unique being.  Listen. Pay attention to your own self.

Sipping From the Nile: My Exodus from Egypt by Jean Naggar

I find it fascinating! Looking at life in Egypt from a different angle and a different time. Learning the history of Smouha, which I've always known as a beautiful place but never as an actual family's name - the family that paid for, designed, and built the place!
I went to the English School myself   :)  My cousin went to the Gezira Prep School.  The Gezira Club is a place I love.
It's nicely unsettling to see familiar things through distant eyes.

Then there's the world I never knew! so much of it.
It's a great book.

The Gentle People

The Gentle people are those whose heart can melt in an instant. They have great passions [introverted or extroverted]   A toddler's smile fills the rest of their day with joy. They rage [silently or loudly] at the slightest injustice to anyone other than their self [sometimes for their selves, too] They usually love streams and rivers. Some adore oceans; other fear them for their immense power and depth.

The Gentle People are beguiled by stories. Their eyes may flash with excitement, or grow distant and dreamy. They flicker in and out of various worlds.  Music has power. Art is nutritious.

I think we all know some gentle people, but I realized last week that we are all Gentle People. They are hidden inside each of us, and the extent you see them is the extent they're allowed to grow. The extent that a peephole is opened, or the big double doors.

When I talk with others, whatever the surface appearance, emotion, or circumstance is, I talk to the Gentle Person. And, invariably, it is the Gentle Person who answers me - even by just silently walking away.

Happy Memories!

I've just been told of a wonderful idea: giving a memory as a present!
It was their parent's 60th anniversary. The siblings thought of a wonderful gift: they each wrote out 12 happy memories to present to their parents.
I love that!
It's usual during family gatherings to share and reminisce. Lots of laughter and interruptions and layers over layers of laughter and some tears.
But I love the idea of writing down the memories and giving them to each other. So we can keep and reread whenever we wish. Hear the person's voice in their words and style of writing. Pause and go back, over and over.
I think it would be a good idea, too, not only to write the happy memories, but also the sad, and the sorry, the angry, and the wishful. To clear out the basements of our hearts like we spring clean our homes.
And I think we should have the courage to give them to each other, with the understanding that this is an effort to mend and grow, not to hurt.

Joanne Milne's Implants are turned on and she hears for the first time

Sharing some mental tangents :)

A tangle of spitting electric wires. Sparking of each other. Making fires perhaps. Burning themselves. But producing no durable light. Far better to straighten oneself out and produce our own electric light. Shining for ourselves and others. True we can get hot  to the touch. :)  But still.

It was something I had picked up long ago. Straighten your spine. Pull yourself up.  I'd somehow connected the two. I only realized that when I was reading about a Tai Chi exercise.  The authors stressed that shoulders should never be hunched up or forward.  Always rolled back and down.  How strange.  I tried it out. It felt good. It also looked good. And it took away pressure from the spine and neck. How strange and wonderful.  And I wondered.  What other misconceptions have I picked up along the way of my life.  Pause for thought.

There's an order to math or in math that is comforting on a very basic level. 

Calling something a "system" is very misleading. Government system. Education system. It indicates a desired orderliness.  A required end result. It herds us to the idea that robotic obedience is our duty. Even God does not require that of us. In fact we are told to think, consider, observe, question, etc. over and over almost in every page. Obey only when our true heart's mind approves.  After consideration.  If it agrees with the moral compass we are born with. There is no rigid system: it is a continuous choice.

Posture

There is a person whose posture I admire. So I've been trying to imitate it. Standing in front of the mirror. Half sideways so I could see more angles. But however much I straightened, something still looked wrong. Something about the shoulders. I kept trying to get them into this optimum position. Till, finally, I kept my elbows in close by my sides. Pushed my shoulders down and back. Then I bent my arms at the elbow, 90 degree angle, swiveled my arms out to the sides. Palms up. Ah! Got it. 

But how on earth am I supposed to walk around like that! It takes practice. And if you don't want your arms broken you have to keep your hands beside you somewhere and just imagine them swiveled. OK. got it. 

One more thing: you have to watch out for your legs. Yep. They think they have to swivel out too. But no. They have to be held together, toes pointing forward, not sideways. The feet should be balanced on the soles, not on the sides. Good luck, walking! It's become an adventure. 

I teach my body while standing at bus stops. Sitting in the bus. Standing. Walking. But I forget when I'm reading or on the computer. 

I think those who practiced horse-back riding for a long while have an advantage. You have to exert constant pressure on the horse's sides. Keep your heels down. 

Hmmm. Practice. See: these are the fun exercises you can do anytime you're stuck waiting for something. Press your legs together. Feet. Knees. Thighs. OK. Imagine pressing as if you're trying to go right through. On ten seconds. Off ten seconds. But not fully off. You use more muscle power when you don't let them relax completely. 

Meanwhile, you're also keeping your elbows in and your shoulders down and back. 

The daily commute passes in one flash of exercise.  Great fun :)   I'm even walking better.

   

Butterfly wings

Those incredibly beautiful sensitive butterfly wings of your genius soul that need space and gentleness to unfurl.
The slightest touch of an obstacle causes them to snap shut instantly. Even when the obstacle is imaginary.
It is an acquired fear: crashing into obstacles hurts and could destroy. Sometimes we choose to remain unfurled: better safe than sorry, we say. But it is not better. It is suffocating.
How then to strengthen them? So that they can smoothly push away the obstacles and make space for their immense span of beauty. 
I can embrace the world within my wingspan. I know it. Now to do it! :)

To give or not to give :)

You don't not need permission to give. People think they fear rejection the most. Because it hurts. They overflow with love and generosity when they feel loved and are devastated by loss or rejection. What hurts, in fact, is the damming of our roaring life-giving river!  But we don't have to dam it. We do not need permission to give. It is our power. And our bounty.  We are free to give. It is ours to give. So flow and grow. Run strong and fast. Your life. Your love. It is yours to give!  And. As always.  It is our choice. 

 

Allow the life energy which is the love energy . Let it grow. And do not feel ashamed of this need to give. Let it out.  You  should rather be proud that you have it to give. And be grateful.  That you have it to give. Own it. It is yours.  And it is beautiful.

Guys, a Big Thank You for being such marvelous kids!

I have to say this in appreciation of my sons:  they are the fastest I've seen to move from bed to car!
They had a lot of practice! I used to stay up late - reading, of course- so I overslept in the morning. I would wake up late and jump out of bed into their room: kids, we're late! Those marvelous guys! No whining. No complaining. The Silent Express: Dressed. Packed. In the car. No fighting, either.  I'd be putting lunches into backpacks [already prepared the night before, not trusting myself to have time in the morning!] Milk with Ovaltine and Honey for breakfast, as usual, but instead of drinking it sitting up in bed, they had it on the run.
Guys, a Big Thank You for being such marvelous kids!

Pride?

Gifts reflect glory on the Giver not the receiver. I am but the vessel of acceptance.
The shame would be in denying the gifts, minimizing myself, which would indicate maljudgment  on behalf of the giver! In either case an insult and a shame. Is that how I give thanks for gifts?
So be grateful and show appreciation and pleasure in the gifts by making use of them and praising them to others. That is a form of modesty, not arrogance. And the gift is YOU with all your unique individuality!

Know Your Self

There's no trying about it. Because you already know. What you do is remove the layers of ignorance, the lead covering the gold - though I wouldn't chose gold myself. It is too soft and malleable  :) . Though the colour is warm and glowing. I would add diamond to the description of my core. Hard. Brilliant. Reflecting all the colors possible in light. Fashioned out of the coals of time. Under hard continuing unrelenting pressure.  But what a magnificent result. So diamond entwined with gold. Who's to say that it's not possible  :).  So you discover yourself/ourselves by unwrapping all those superimposed layers over your own brilliance. There is no failure possible. Because the knowledge you seek is already inside you. Is already there. You are not losing anything whichever way you go about it or however long you take. It's a work in  progress. Yes. And you can take as long as you like or do it in moments. Your choice. It is always your choice. My choice :)

Perspectives

It used to be that I was hurt when people I liked would push me away. I could never understand it. And just today, during the morning commute on the bus and subway I got past that a little. Look at it this way: if you bend over to pick up a little thing, you appear huge to that little thing. If you smile, it just means your teeth are all too apparent - maybe they're sharp too!
If you crowd people they will automatically retreat. If you insist on pushing forward they will run away screaming or punch you in the face. Lesson: you have only yourself to blame if you overwhelm someone.
It helps no one if you try to downsize yourself to match the smaller people. You'll get cramps all over! You'll look weird. And you still won't fit.
So stand up. Stand tall.  You'll see a beautiful world when your head pushes through that cloudy ceiling.

This matter of Pressure

During one of my Dad's talks, he said that pain is a matter of pressure. All pain is caused by pressure. He was talking about physical pain in the body. Whatever internal pain you feel, it's because for some reason blood or other fluids have rushed to the help of some organ or cells: the swelling that results - whether seen or unseen - causes pain. Elegantly simple, yes? And such simple truths are applicable to many other situations.
Now, yesterday I was listening to Donna Eden. Her forte is energy medicine and healing. If you imagine a tangled ball of string, that is what scrambled energy is like - as opposed to smooth flowing rivers. Which reminded me of ancient Chinese doctors who could heal madness, among other things: by unscrambling the energy flows. Donna used to be dyslexic and now isn't. She suffered from many ills which are now history. Blocking energy, damming up the flow, would that cause pressure?

Changes

I want your opinions on the colours and changes of the blog page :)
And, maybe!!! the comments will show now.

The other side of the matter :)

Caring about what others say, quote, or misquote.

This is the part I actually enjoy: what exactly is it inside me that is upset?
Following that thread can lead to interesting places. There are so many levels and shades inside one. Everyone can recognize pride, of course. And a degree of arrogance.
There's also the the fear hiding somewhere. It shows in a desire for control: of oneself, one's day, one's life. Of others [what right do I have to control others??]
And the perfectionist. Who wants everything just so! A place for everything and everything in its place. Common sense and logic should be maintained! [but we shouldn't forget that "there is nothing less common than common sense" :) ]
Then there is the idealist: be good. Do good. Fine. Does that mean that others have to hold to my standard? Should I force them?? Get mad when they don't?
And the part that desires security. [I tend to lack that part] To be able to depend on certain people. For days to be predictable, and therefore manageable.
Do I need people's approval?
We should beware of the word 'need'. It often indicates a desire to abdicate responsibility.

And here's the bonus: the more you discover of yourself, the less upset you get with others.
NB: discovering does not mean criticizing and judging. Just observing and paying gentle attention.

What does it matter what people say about me?

What does it matter that they quote me wrongly [intentionally or not] or even make up imaginary quotes?
What does it matter, to me?
To me, it does not matter at all. And it really surprises me when people get upset. Maybe I have my father to thank for that. I remember long ago when as children we used to cry and complain to him that xxx said zzzz about me!! and he would ask: is it true?  Us indignantly: of course not!  Him: so why are you upset?  hmmm.

I think of it like this:
If people feel the need to quote me; how flattering.
If they do it wrong: it's very easy to misunderstand. Also, people reflect what is inside them.
If they do it to blacken me: how silly! Those whom I know & respect would not believe them, those I don't, let them believe whatever they want.
If people talk badly about me: I wonder why I matter to them?

See? I could keep going on like that, but you get my attitude.
I do consider matters before I dismiss them: Is there anything I said [or was silent about] that could have been understood as ...
And I consider the persons: I wonder why ... What does this tell me about ...

There is another side to this subject, of course.  Next post  :)

How do you know if you have feelings for someone?

It seems like a normal question, but it totally isn't.
Feelings are felt. You know because you feel them. Explaining them is totally different, of course. Like you can feel the air moving, but you need to hold up a wetted finger to know the wind's direction. So what is the equivalent of a wetted finger for our minds?
Well, what does your body tell you? Do an awareness check: hands cold? What about your feet? Are they turned inward, towards each other, or outward, open to the world? Are your shoulders tense anywhere? Do you have a smile on your face? or not? How does your throat feel? [We can get sore throats from the strength needed to keep our voice silent] What about your stomach and intestines, are they clenched? rumbling? feeling crowded? hungry?  And if you're feeling hungry, what is it you want to eat? Our food choices say a lot about our state of mind/heart. What colour are you wearing now? Is it a favourite? What colour do you hate, would never wear? Why? How does it make you feel?
So do a body check :)
Now, the fact that you need to ask the question means that you do have feelings, and you are conflicted about those feelings.
Which is fine! A totally normal human condition :)
So, what to do?  First - and this is a very important first!- be gentle with yourself. Allow your feelings to express themselves in the safety of your mind and heart. You can say absolutely anything to yourself! It doesn't even have to be true! Exaggerate as much as you want. This is all between you and yourself. Be free. No fear! You have a right to your own feelings!
At the same time - and this too is most important :) - listen to yourself [all your selves]. Listen quietly and attentively. Observe calmly. Pay careful attention. Be detached from all those talking feeling selves even while acknowledging them.
There is so much beauty in you! So much wonderful flowing energy and emotion. Appreciate it.
That done, as best you can, smile.
You already know all you need to know :)    You have all the answers. Keep talking to me :)

Michael Crichton: State of Fear
For me, it was one of those mind-shifting books where the author takes your thoughts and puts them in a book, far  more clearly than you would have thought to do. 
Just now I learnt of the death [in 2011] of a MAJOR mind-shifter: Paula Allman.
I might finish this later.

Do you notice what your thumbs do?

My left thumb always covers the right one, so today I decided to reverse them. To give the left a rest from guard duty, and the right a chance to prove itself. [now isn't that a strange choice of words! guard duty? prove itself?? ] So I put the right on top. My mind took off on a different train of thought for a while. When it came back I found the left in its habitual place, firmly on top. Hmm. Reverse them.
I spent most of my morning commute doing that.
Everyone knows about right brain/left brain stuff. What surprised me today was how emotional I felt about my thumbs' positions  :)   Deliberately & repeatedly changing them caused feelings of unrest to bubble up. I was quite surprised. What more am I hiding from myself? And why should I want to hide when I am so much happier sharing and being open about myself??

"Unity" "All-Under-Heaven"

I'm reading this book about The Great Wall by John Man, and I came upon that phrase. And I wondered: it seems that humans have always had this desire for unity, but it comes out in very different shapes, with different outcomes: empires, monasteries, clubs, families. And of course it is shaped by the very different individuals: dictators, principles, saints, matriarchs & patriarchs. We might not like the results, but the initial intention was for unity.
What changes a good thing into a bad thing? A desire for unity and harmony into a desire for all others to be like me, do things my way! 

This matter of resistance ...

The resistance I mean is that which keeps us from doing what we really want to do, what we would love to do ... BUT.   THAT resistance. And we can instantly provide extremely good reasons for not doing what we really want. Sound logical reasons. And I think we lie - or, at least, I do.
I have always wanted to write. To be a writer. BUT. What is there to say that has not already been said a million times? Who has the time to read anyway - apart from myself :)  Writing takes up time which is better spent reading [very logical reason, this!] I will write .. tomorrow. Why would anyone want to read what I write! I have nothing to say. Stop wasting time, there a dozen other things that need to be done.. etc.
I believe that there is a dream in every heart that would make the world a better place, and us better people if we cultivated it and allowed it to grow.

Ann Patchet: The Patron Saint of Liars
p. 131: " I'm saying that I'll do what You want me to do If You just give me some kind of hint about what that is."
I fell into that trap myself: what is my purpose in life? Why am I here? someone just TELL me!
But see, that is actually an abdication of responsibility. Back to the familiar "I don't know". Very sneaky!
The truth as I see it now: There was an agreement upon my purpose/role in life. I agreed to it. I volunteered for it! I have the knowledge inside me, even if I have 'forgotten'. And, I think, the path leading me to the starting point can be found at the point of maximum resistance: what I fight most to stay away from. What I continually resist doing.
Isn't that strange? Seeking something which I turn away from. It bothers my brain to even write such a sentence!

Intro

I just realized that I've been fooling myself. Thinking myself brave, courageous. Honest - sometimes too much so. Straightforward. But I've been playing the victim role. It was a shock to me. There are people who glow in that victim/martyr role, but I never wanted to be one of them. I make my own choices and accept the consequences. How them am I a victim? My thoughts secretly set that up. I expect to fail after bravely struggling. So I do fail. I expect to be rejected after massive giving. So I do get rejected. The victim suffers - that's what victims are expected to do.
So I can choose to undo being a victim? How do I do that?? First thing, I was told: stop saying I don't know!
That made me realize how often I said that! either at the beginning or end of almost every sentence!! WOW! I always used it [I thought] as a way of keeping options open, of expressing a noble kind of modesty :) before giving my expert opinion, leaving space open for others to join in. Or was it just a means of not making a stand? not choosing one option/opinion/belief [am I still doing that now? ! ]
See how difficult it is to know your own mind!!  Or is that a problem only for me??