Changes

I want your opinions on the colours and changes of the blog page :)
And, maybe!!! the comments will show now.

The other side of the matter :)

Caring about what others say, quote, or misquote.

This is the part I actually enjoy: what exactly is it inside me that is upset?
Following that thread can lead to interesting places. There are so many levels and shades inside one. Everyone can recognize pride, of course. And a degree of arrogance.
There's also the the fear hiding somewhere. It shows in a desire for control: of oneself, one's day, one's life. Of others [what right do I have to control others??]
And the perfectionist. Who wants everything just so! A place for everything and everything in its place. Common sense and logic should be maintained! [but we shouldn't forget that "there is nothing less common than common sense" :) ]
Then there is the idealist: be good. Do good. Fine. Does that mean that others have to hold to my standard? Should I force them?? Get mad when they don't?
And the part that desires security. [I tend to lack that part] To be able to depend on certain people. For days to be predictable, and therefore manageable.
Do I need people's approval?
We should beware of the word 'need'. It often indicates a desire to abdicate responsibility.

And here's the bonus: the more you discover of yourself, the less upset you get with others.
NB: discovering does not mean criticizing and judging. Just observing and paying gentle attention.

What does it matter what people say about me?

What does it matter that they quote me wrongly [intentionally or not] or even make up imaginary quotes?
What does it matter, to me?
To me, it does not matter at all. And it really surprises me when people get upset. Maybe I have my father to thank for that. I remember long ago when as children we used to cry and complain to him that xxx said zzzz about me!! and he would ask: is it true?  Us indignantly: of course not!  Him: so why are you upset?  hmmm.

I think of it like this:
If people feel the need to quote me; how flattering.
If they do it wrong: it's very easy to misunderstand. Also, people reflect what is inside them.
If they do it to blacken me: how silly! Those whom I know & respect would not believe them, those I don't, let them believe whatever they want.
If people talk badly about me: I wonder why I matter to them?

See? I could keep going on like that, but you get my attitude.
I do consider matters before I dismiss them: Is there anything I said [or was silent about] that could have been understood as ...
And I consider the persons: I wonder why ... What does this tell me about ...

There is another side to this subject, of course.  Next post  :)

How do you know if you have feelings for someone?

It seems like a normal question, but it totally isn't.
Feelings are felt. You know because you feel them. Explaining them is totally different, of course. Like you can feel the air moving, but you need to hold up a wetted finger to know the wind's direction. So what is the equivalent of a wetted finger for our minds?
Well, what does your body tell you? Do an awareness check: hands cold? What about your feet? Are they turned inward, towards each other, or outward, open to the world? Are your shoulders tense anywhere? Do you have a smile on your face? or not? How does your throat feel? [We can get sore throats from the strength needed to keep our voice silent] What about your stomach and intestines, are they clenched? rumbling? feeling crowded? hungry?  And if you're feeling hungry, what is it you want to eat? Our food choices say a lot about our state of mind/heart. What colour are you wearing now? Is it a favourite? What colour do you hate, would never wear? Why? How does it make you feel?
So do a body check :)
Now, the fact that you need to ask the question means that you do have feelings, and you are conflicted about those feelings.
Which is fine! A totally normal human condition :)
So, what to do?  First - and this is a very important first!- be gentle with yourself. Allow your feelings to express themselves in the safety of your mind and heart. You can say absolutely anything to yourself! It doesn't even have to be true! Exaggerate as much as you want. This is all between you and yourself. Be free. No fear! You have a right to your own feelings!
At the same time - and this too is most important :) - listen to yourself [all your selves]. Listen quietly and attentively. Observe calmly. Pay careful attention. Be detached from all those talking feeling selves even while acknowledging them.
There is so much beauty in you! So much wonderful flowing energy and emotion. Appreciate it.
That done, as best you can, smile.
You already know all you need to know :)    You have all the answers. Keep talking to me :)

Michael Crichton: State of Fear
For me, it was one of those mind-shifting books where the author takes your thoughts and puts them in a book, far  more clearly than you would have thought to do. 
Just now I learnt of the death [in 2011] of a MAJOR mind-shifter: Paula Allman.
I might finish this later.

Do you notice what your thumbs do?

My left thumb always covers the right one, so today I decided to reverse them. To give the left a rest from guard duty, and the right a chance to prove itself. [now isn't that a strange choice of words! guard duty? prove itself?? ] So I put the right on top. My mind took off on a different train of thought for a while. When it came back I found the left in its habitual place, firmly on top. Hmm. Reverse them.
I spent most of my morning commute doing that.
Everyone knows about right brain/left brain stuff. What surprised me today was how emotional I felt about my thumbs' positions  :)   Deliberately & repeatedly changing them caused feelings of unrest to bubble up. I was quite surprised. What more am I hiding from myself? And why should I want to hide when I am so much happier sharing and being open about myself??

"Unity" "All-Under-Heaven"

I'm reading this book about The Great Wall by John Man, and I came upon that phrase. And I wondered: it seems that humans have always had this desire for unity, but it comes out in very different shapes, with different outcomes: empires, monasteries, clubs, families. And of course it is shaped by the very different individuals: dictators, principles, saints, matriarchs & patriarchs. We might not like the results, but the initial intention was for unity.
What changes a good thing into a bad thing? A desire for unity and harmony into a desire for all others to be like me, do things my way! 

This matter of resistance ...

The resistance I mean is that which keeps us from doing what we really want to do, what we would love to do ... BUT.   THAT resistance. And we can instantly provide extremely good reasons for not doing what we really want. Sound logical reasons. And I think we lie - or, at least, I do.
I have always wanted to write. To be a writer. BUT. What is there to say that has not already been said a million times? Who has the time to read anyway - apart from myself :)  Writing takes up time which is better spent reading [very logical reason, this!] I will write .. tomorrow. Why would anyone want to read what I write! I have nothing to say. Stop wasting time, there a dozen other things that need to be done.. etc.
I believe that there is a dream in every heart that would make the world a better place, and us better people if we cultivated it and allowed it to grow.

Ann Patchet: The Patron Saint of Liars
p. 131: " I'm saying that I'll do what You want me to do If You just give me some kind of hint about what that is."
I fell into that trap myself: what is my purpose in life? Why am I here? someone just TELL me!
But see, that is actually an abdication of responsibility. Back to the familiar "I don't know". Very sneaky!
The truth as I see it now: There was an agreement upon my purpose/role in life. I agreed to it. I volunteered for it! I have the knowledge inside me, even if I have 'forgotten'. And, I think, the path leading me to the starting point can be found at the point of maximum resistance: what I fight most to stay away from. What I continually resist doing.
Isn't that strange? Seeking something which I turn away from. It bothers my brain to even write such a sentence!

Intro

I just realized that I've been fooling myself. Thinking myself brave, courageous. Honest - sometimes too much so. Straightforward. But I've been playing the victim role. It was a shock to me. There are people who glow in that victim/martyr role, but I never wanted to be one of them. I make my own choices and accept the consequences. How them am I a victim? My thoughts secretly set that up. I expect to fail after bravely struggling. So I do fail. I expect to be rejected after massive giving. So I do get rejected. The victim suffers - that's what victims are expected to do.
So I can choose to undo being a victim? How do I do that?? First thing, I was told: stop saying I don't know!
That made me realize how often I said that! either at the beginning or end of almost every sentence!! WOW! I always used it [I thought] as a way of keeping options open, of expressing a noble kind of modesty :) before giving my expert opinion, leaving space open for others to join in. Or was it just a means of not making a stand? not choosing one option/opinion/belief [am I still doing that now? ! ]
See how difficult it is to know your own mind!!  Or is that a problem only for me??