I just realized that I've been fooling myself. Thinking myself brave, courageous. Honest - sometimes too much so. Straightforward. But I've been playing the victim role. It was a shock to me. There are people who glow in that victim/martyr role, but I never wanted to be one of them. I make my own choices and accept the consequences. How them am I a victim? My thoughts secretly set that up. I expect to fail after bravely struggling. So I do fail. I expect to be rejected after massive giving. So I do get rejected. The victim suffers - that's what victims are expected to do.
So I can choose to undo being a victim? How do I do that?? First thing, I was told: stop saying I don't know!
That made me realize how often I said that! either at the beginning or end of almost every sentence!! WOW! I always used it [I thought] as a way of keeping options open, of expressing a noble kind of modesty :) before giving my expert opinion, leaving space open for others to join in. Or was it just a means of not making a stand? not choosing one option/opinion/belief [am I still doing that now? ! ]
See how difficult it is to know your own mind!! Or is that a problem only for me??
So I can choose to undo being a victim? How do I do that?? First thing, I was told: stop saying I don't know!
That made me realize how often I said that! either at the beginning or end of almost every sentence!! WOW! I always used it [I thought] as a way of keeping options open, of expressing a noble kind of modesty :) before giving my expert opinion, leaving space open for others to join in. Or was it just a means of not making a stand? not choosing one option/opinion/belief [am I still doing that now? ! ]
See how difficult it is to know your own mind!! Or is that a problem only for me??
I do think the hardest thing is to know your own mind, to know your own truths, to know what you DO know, and to admit what you don`t know. And you`re right, as well, that we often say Ì don`t know` because we DO know, and we can`t face the truth, so we deflect. I`ve always felt partial to many of Freud`s observations; because for all his flaws and misrepresentations, he did understand a few fundamentals, and the biggest (for me) is the role of denial. How often we deny what we desire... that is an important, and difficult place to start. But I DON`T KNOW falls in there, denying what we do know because we refuse to admit what we desire. I don`t want... this phrase often masks our desires. To get beneath that, to really find out what we DO want, that`s the hardest thing of all. But you`re doing it, and that`s just the most courageous thing a person can do. Keep thinking, Amira. Keep wondering. Keep questioning. Keep chasing the questions. It`s a valuable journey to truths about ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI find myself refusing to admit that I 'desire' anything at all [except for chocolate or coffee; that somehow seems acceptable]. Why do I refuse myself that natural right? The feeling inside me says I have no right! Maybe below that is the fear of actually having to bestir myself and DO something about it. I acquired the habit of being a follower, over the years, and now it seems rather brash to stand up and say ME. I feel it immodest. Or is that just another fear derivative?
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